i get the feeling sometimes that you know more than you let on.

Yes. And?

why do you allow me to fall into these stupid little whirlpools i'd be better off avoiding?

Whatcha mean, jellybean?

ugh. don't do that. i mean the mortal coil, you fool.

The mortal coil? What've you been smoking, heroin?

no. but there's so many things you neglect to advise me on, milord.

Are you referring to -?

yes, that's EXACTLY what i'm referring to. why do you allow me to entice others when you know my only desire is death?

Maybe because you need to live.

fuck you. i don't want to live. i want to die in peace. but NO, can't let that happen. you people are so fucking greedy.

Now, wait a second-

no, you wait. you and all of humanity are so dead-set against me dying, and why? because my fucking BRILLIANCE will be lost. FUCK my BRILLIANCE. i'd give it all away just to be allowed to die.

You don't fully believe that.

no, i don't. because you fuckers have brainwashed me to feel like i need to live, to accomplish something. i don't need any of this shit. do you know what happened today? the woman from the GED place called and said i was getting some scholarships. i scored fucking PERFECT on that fucker. do you know how humiliating that is?

Why is that humiliating? I'm proud of you. So are Lisa, and Robbie, and your Nanny, and Joshua... Lots of people are very happy for you.

yeah, everyone except me. it's just another nail in my coffin. what good is it? what good is it when there are other people out there that could be doing so much better and yet are just sitting at their houses, vegetating and being pitiful?

You're the one who found them.

i know. let me tell you about one - his name's dusti. i really liked him, other than the fact that all he wants to do is be useless, play the victim. he's another steve stockwell, only he hasn't at least had the initiative to join the army or something. that's about the only thing i admire about that man, other than the fact that he reminds me of my dad, and that's not a good thing, anyway.

So, you were talking to this Dusti guy, and a few others?

yeah... i was bored, so i did a search on myspace for people like me... guys like me, white wiccan nonsmokers, you know their search criteria... i just wanted some people to talk to. damn them, they're charming, though. i let them fall for me.

You're a beautiful young girl. Being a bit of a tease is actually normal, you know.

not for me, it's not. i don't like it. i don't like... i'm really not ready for another relationship, you know? when i changed my myspace status to "in a relationship" last night for joshua, something like a lead blanket settled over my head. i'm going to have to tell him that i don't want to be in a relationship.

Yes. And the longer you wait, the worse it's gonna be. So tell him now.

ha, no... better perhaps to just disappear, maybe?

NO. You can't run from your problems, little one.

*some time later*

are you satisfied? i wrote him a letter. i explained things very delicately and honestly.

Good. Very good. Now I want you to list for me the real reasons you don't want to be with him.

oh, for pity's sake...

Do it.

fine... alright, there's only like three... one, i could do so much better, aesthetically and financially. well, that was actually two. the other is that he doesn't approve of my magical practices. oh, and his friends think i'm immature. so four.

Okay, elaborate. On the third and fourth, only, please. I understand the first two. You want someone more attractive who has a better job. That's understandable. You'd end up unsatisfied and nagging, most likely. You're clever for seeing these things early, my pet.

yeah, yeah. i'm awful. i know. ok, he's a goody goody wiccan, pretty much my pagan opposite. i mean, i'm a self-respecting chaos mage. i kick ass and am proud of it. there's no way i'm going to restrict myself to petty thought exercises and energy manipulation. i'm a sledgehammer, dammit, or a bomb! i make carnage!

Yes, you do. And that's good for you. You've got to vent your innate rage somehow. Ending people's lives magically is as good an outlet as any. Now, his friends? Why not ditch the friends?

because i'm not like that. they have precedence over me. "bros before hos," as that saying goes. his friend matt thought i was immature for getting joshua to go out at midnight to the walmart that was like a little over five minutes from the apartment for poptarts. he didn't have anything to do the next day, and no one was going to bed yet, so what was the big deal? we didn't disturb anyone. but oh, i'm immature for having a sense of whimsy. fuck that.

Yeah... That's pretty stupid. So, again, why not ditch the friends?

because i am not like that. i'm not going to ask someone to totally lose their friends for my sake. no, i don't particularly like a guy to talk to his ex's or other girls that have professed a desire for my position, but that's their decision after hearing my opinion. and yes, they usually ignore my opinion, which hurts. a lot.

What about the roadtrip?

oh, fuck that. do you really think i want to go on a roadtrip with some people i barely know to a place i've never been and really have no desire to go? especially when two of the three people disdain me? it's up to him if he still wants me to go or not. i don't care either way.

And how about the vampire?

oh, you mean that faggoty hipster fucker? him... *wretch* it's his own damn fault for shaking my hand. apparently, i attacked him. you know i have shields, right?

Yes. They're ineffective against me, but I imagine you designed them that way.

yeah, actually. you're allowed in here. other shit isn't. my shields are very social and very aggressive. i don't take kindly to being probed by other people's energy. it right pisses me off, actually. when this guy shook my hand, he reeled back, glaring at me. the self-professed psychic vampire was surprised that he got bit while scanning me. fucking idiot.

Did you mean for it to happen?

no. i make it a point not to attack people before i know them. the jerk wanted to spew off some rubbish about how my chaotic energy needed to be reigned in, how i could end up harming people if i didn't, how chaos was supposed to work... such bullshit. i was nice and polite, though. you would have been proud of me.

I probably would have punched the guy, actually. From the looks of him, you could have taken him.

i know, right? such an asshole. i'm quite disenchanted with the lot of them.

So, tell me about this Chris, then.

what are you, my mother? why the sudden interest in my relationship gossip? you're usually not this involved.

I'm the best friend you have right now, Reisheiruhime. I care about you. If I could find an empty host, I would love you and cherish you as you deserve. I'm afraid for you. I feel like you're going to get hurt.

madara, that's... that's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me. i love you, too. um... i feel kind of bad talking to you about other guys, now.

It's okay, pet. If I had a body, you wouldn't be able to talk at all right now.

oh my. um... well, anyway, chris is a really nice guy who lives about as far away as joshua, but in a totally different direction. he's... well, he's tall, into opera, world of warcraft, and general nerdery... and he's a bad, bad wiccan. bad like me. he doesn't disapprove of my darkness as the others do. he's... well, he's a very seductive idea. and he's really close to savannah, so i could be stationed there and see him without any major problems.

And do you want to risk what might be a great relationship for a seductive idea?

i don't want a relationship at all, actually. i really just want... a great friend with awesome benefits. that's it, really. and i want that to be exclusive. i want to try that for a while. i've never done that. is it too much to ask?

Well, I don't think so. But then again, look at what I did to you. I found you in the woods near collapse, and I took you back to my camp and raped you until you learned to love it. Then you came back into your power and we made our little deal.

i've forgiven you a thousand times over for that, milord. it's not as bad as you make it sound.

I know you forgive me. It's odd. I'm the only one you've ever forgiven, aren't I?

yeah. just you. everyone else is in the hatred zone, i guess.

Odd. Do you think he'll forgive you, when he reads the letter?

i hope so. i really do. i did it the best way i knew how. i poured out my heart and told the truth in every letter. i just have to hope he understands.

I hope he does, too. Your Chris raised an interesting point. You could stand to coerce people a little more, you know. For the big bad evil chaos mage you get made out as, you're alarmingly benevolent. What did you do last, anyway? Try to help a girl kick her drug habit? I mean, really. You're almost white hat, my dear.

that's a hacker term, you silly thing. i think i've had enough confusion for one night. it's morning now, actually. i'm going to go outside in a tank top and mow the lawn. all of it. when trae gets home in a couple of days, he'll feel totally replaced. that'll give my shoggoth the first foothold it needs to convert trae into a slobbering, gibbering mass. "don't descend writhing and gibbering into madness" indeed.

You bad, bad girl. Just be careful, I suppose. I will return to my slumber, I suppose. Enjoy your day of lawn cutting, my little one.

i will, my lord. sleep well.